Addiction to Talking
is an old joke about people who talk a lot: “Do you know the
12-Step program for people who talk a lot? On and On Anon!”
The joke recognizes that fact that incessant talking is a common addiction.
Non-stop talking is abusive and is about using others for attention and approval because of not giving oneself enough attention and approval.
The talker is not actually offering anything to the listener. Instead, the talker, in going on and on with a monologue, is pulling energy from the listener.
People who end up listening to a talker go on and on are often caretakers who are afraid to hurt the talker by disengaging or by telling the truth about their boredom.
Talkers are often needy people who attempt to assuage their emptiness by trapping people into listening to them. For example, there are people that will tell a bank teller their life story, while the trapped teller doesn’t know how to disengage without being impolite.
problem is that one of the reasons these people are without friends
is that no one wants to be with them. It’s draining to be at the
other end of a needy person who uses talking as a way to fill up.
If people are addicted to talking, perhaps they believe that they are being interesting when they go on and on about themselves. However, they might reconsider the truth of this belief if they find that many people avoid them.
Most people will not tell them the truth – that they feel tired, abused, drained and trapped in the Talker's presence plus bored by their talking. Not wanting to offend the Talker, they just stay away rather speak their truth.
The victims don’t answer the phone when they know it’s the Talker, and they find any excuse to not spend time with them.
It’s not that they don’t like the Talkers – it’s
that they don’t want to be used by them to fill up their
Advice to the Talker-Stalker:
HEALING YOUR ADDICTION TO TALKING
Every time you trap someone into listening to you it is abuse.
Imagine that you have a child within you – your feeling self - who feels very alone. This child feels alone because you are not paying attention to him or her. It is as if you are handing this inner child away for adoption. You want someone else to attend to and approve of this child instead of you accepting this responsibility.
The very fact of doing this is an inner abandonment and is creating the aloneness that is at the heart of all addictions.
By expecting others to listen to you when you don’t listen to yourself, you are giving the child within a message that he or she is not important to you.
When you do not take the time to attend to your own feelings and needs, you are creating inner neediness and emptiness.
This inner emptiness is like a vacuum that attempts to suck caring from others. Yet no matter how often others do listen to you, it never really fills you. This is because only you can give your own inner child what he or she needs.
If you were to take some time each day to have a dialogue, either out loud or in writing, with the part of you who so needs to be heard, you would discover that you can fill your own emptiness. In addition, if you practice imagining a loving spiritual presence holding you, loving you, listening to you and guiding you, you will no longer feel alone.
As long as you believe that it is someone else’s job to fill you, you will not take the time to learn how to fill yourself. As long as you believe that it is okay to trap others and use them to fill yourself, you will continue your talking addiction. Only when you get that it is not loving to yourself or others to expect them to take care of your own inner child – your own feelings and needs - will you start to take on that responsibility.
While you might not believe that you can fill yourself better than others can, you will not know until you try. When you choose to take responsibility for meeting your own needs instead of abandoning yourself to others, you will never feel alone.
Minimizing When You Talk